The topic of Depression – from Eat, Pray, Love

On Friday, August 13, (of all days!), the movie based upon Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love opens.

There are many women who are excited about seeing this movie as Liz has a way of expressing what so many women feel, but never say aloud. In her book, she talks about her long struggle with depression before seeking outside help. She read book after book, and tried ‘fixing’ herself by doing all the things these experts told her would help to relieve her depression.

Many of the things she spoke of I have already written in previous posts, breathing, fresh air and sunshine. She also exercised, got a new haircut, drank gallons of herbal tea, but to no avail.

Liz felt, like MANY women in America feel, that admitting you need help and asking for it was a sign of weakness. She got to the edge of being suicidal before she reached out for help.

She eventually took antidepressants and spent hours in therapy to help her overcome or at least get a handle on her depression. She felt it important to express that taking medication alone is just a bandaid. If you do not work through what got you there in the first place, you may find you will return to that same place of darkness again and again.

And that is where I am finding myself, back in the darkness that has enveloped me many times throughout my life. This time it is darker and blacker than ever before.

I waited much too long to admit how badly I was hurting, I mean, after all, my job required me to manage, train, motivate and inspire the 700+ women in my territory. I personified THE company I worked for. I had an image to present, physically and mentally. I was the cheerleader, the confidante.

The sad thing is, I like that part of my job. I just had a difficult time handling ALL the parts of the job at one time. And just before I fell apart, I got to where I didn’t enjoy or feel confident doing even the better parts of my job. I was not being what I needed for my team or for my company. And I didn’t want to admit that I was failing and that I was falling apart inside.

After all,

               I was the strong one.

                                        the motivator.

                                                   the passionate one.

                                                                  the one everyone wanted to be like.

When I told my chiropractor (who sees me several times a year) about my current situation, he could not believe that I was depressed. He said I was always so ‘up’. That was the mask I had to wear for everyone. I am trying to let that front down now, it is too exhausting to keep it up. I just hope that one day I can feel ‘normal’ again, and feel joy again.

I know that is always darkest before the dawn, and I truly feel as if there is going to be a new chapter in my life soon, I just have to find my way through this darkness. With the help of God, my husband, children, friends, doctor, counselor, psychiatrist, and medication, I will make it through to the dawn, but for now, I just keep pressing on, step-by-step, day-by-day.

My goal is to help as many women as possible with these issues we all deal with! Be sure to subscribe via email or RSS so you don’t miss any posts! If you know of someone who would benefit from the info in this post and in my blog, please click here to share!

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University of YOU

Never, never, never stop learning. Education did not end when you finished school. To continue to grow, you must continue to learn. If you stop learning, you stop growing and as a matter of fact, your mind will start to atrophy, just as an unused muscle would.

Pick a subject that you want to learn about and study it, such as:

– Nineteenth century history

– Knitting

– Woodworking

– Genealogy

OR,

– Starting your own business

Today, education doesn’t have to just come from a college and getting a degree. As a matter of fact, everyone and their brother has a degree now, so you need to do something different. But this education is more about expanding YOU and your knowledge base about things YOU love. 

Between the Internet, the library, your local community college or technical school, and countless other resources, you can learn about ANY subject, AND meet others who are interested in the same things at the same time!

I think there used to be a public service announcement on PBS that said “The more you know, the more you grow” How true! I even found something written by one of the smartest and wisest men ever, Dr Seuss-

Share 3 subjects with us that you would like to learn about!

My goal is to help as many women as possible with these issues we all deal with! Be sure to subscribe via email or RSS so you don’t miss any posts! If you know of someone who would benefit from the info in this post and in my blog, please click here to share!

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Self-care is not self-ish

In one of my posts last week, 10 steps to avoid a mental breakdown I talked about the necessary steps to avoid a breakdown, burnout, or a brick wall!  So, let me check my progress so far…

1. one must realize they are headed in that direction and admit it

Oh, yea, definitely headed in that direction!  The uncontrollable urge to hide in the bed under my covers from the world was a sign, as well as the fact I couldn’t remember answers to the most basics of questions.  These are only a few of the signs, the biggest was just an overwhelming sadness, of hopelessness.  Difficult to put into words at this point.

2. one must then make a declaration to oneself that they refuse to continue in that direction

I knew that I had to make the decision to speak out, to get help. Unfortunately, I ignored the signs for way too long. I was just sure I could pull myself up and get through it, considering I had done so many times in the past.  I did not want to admit that I was incapable of coping, but knew that I was sinking deeper than ever before.

3. one must determine whether one needs to be under the care of a healthcare provider. Medication, therapy and even medical leave maybe helpful or necessary in fighting off the impending breakdown.

Well, check, check, check and check. Visited my doctor, added a different med, on a waiting list to see psychiatrist, and was placed on medical leave.  I’ve done counseling before, but the idea of a psychiatrist is a little harsh.  And being pulled from work is going to be difficult, because even though my job added to the stress and contributed to my condition, I love my job. I am closely connected to people I work with. This will be a big challenge for me.

4. one must then find a new path to go down, one of loving and taking care of oneself to avoid said breakdown or potential future breakdowns

Ah, an empty check box. This is where I am now.  I am trying to determine what will help me to heal, what will help me to grow, what will help me get to the next place I am supposed to be.

To get completely disconnected from my job will be my first challenge, as there is some connections and logistics that have to be handled. After that, then what? For the past 2 years I have worked 70+ hours a week at my job.  I told my husband, I feel as if I don’t even know what the regular rhythm and flow of a day is supposed to be. I was ALWAYS working, even when I wasn’t working. Obsessing about what I could do to make the numbers, to meet the goal.  I stayed up extremely late, got up early, rarely ate more than once a day, drank countless cups of coffee, and when would I actually have time to exercise? Oh, and my relationships, my family?

Why did I work so much?  That is some of what I will have to work through. It was a combination of things- the pressure from the company to perform, the connections that I made with the team that worked under me,  the anxiety of feeling like no matter what I did it would never be enough.  I think that last one’s a big one, the reason I could not turn it off. That anxiety, coupled with what I felt was a true interpretation of the expectations placed on me by my employer, made rest and relaxation an impossibility.

So, for now, I am learning to take care of me. I am trying to put myself on a schedule. To learn to go to bed at a reasonable time, get up at a reasonable time. To eat 3 meals a day, okay, maybe at least 2 a day for a start. And, I think I’ll read a book, just for fun! I bought Eat, Pray, Love last week. From what I hear it would be a good one for me to start with….

My goal is to help as many women as possible with these issues we all deal with! Be sure to subscribe via email or RSS so you don’t miss any posts! If you know of someone who would benefit from the info in this post and in my blog, please click here to share!

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