I cried my way through Eat Pray Love last night

This is a fantastic movie for any woman to see. I have not finished the book yet, but I felt compelled to see the movie right away as Elizabeth Gilbert speaks to some of the same issues I am dealing with right now.

Let me make a disclaimer first. I know there are a lot of opinions about this movie and book and I respect your right to your opinion. This blog post is not meant to debate the good or evil of Liz Gilbert’s choices or the quality of Julia Roberts acting. I am writing about how this movie resonated with me at this point in my life.

I also want to make another disclaimer. As a Christian, I do not agree with all of her spiritual findings. I believe, however, that God can use all things to teach us, and several of her revelations in Eastern religions resonated within me.

Let me explain. Liz felt she had lost herself, she had no idea who she was anymore. She had always ‘had’ to have a guy to complete her. Her mind was tormented with her own thoughts of who she was ‘supposed’ to be, and other people’s expectations of her. She could not find herself among all the noise.

Elizabeth Gilbert Prays in India

One part that so moved me to the core of my being was when she is at the ashram in India. Her friend Richard, who had quite a bit of wisdom, told her quite bluntly. “Groceries (his pet name for her), you have too much going on up here in your mind. There is too much of YOU. You have to get before God, be quiet and meditate, and empty all that stuff out. Once it is empty, God will fill you with so much love!” (this is the best remembrance of his words, not exact by any means). There is no way I convey the intensity of this scene. It was amazing!

Those words shot like an arrow through my heart. You see, my brain is overflowing, constantly racing. Beating me up for what I should and should not be doing. For what I should or should not be feeling. If I was a ‘good’ Christian, I should be able to pray and move beyond this. I cannot stop the noise. 

My Journey

Now I am not going to India, or Bali anytime soon (although I WOULD like to go to Italy!) however, my sweet husband is sending me on personal retreat to Savannah, just a couple of hours away, for a week. Due to my recent meltdown and anxiety, he is joining me for the first 2 days to settle me in, and then I will be left on my own. 

My plan is to spend some time with my Bible and my journal and to pray and to learn to be quiet. I want to learn to use a type of guided meditation, with scripture and music, to help me to clear MY mind. There is WAY too much of ME in there. I have to empty all that out. I feel that God is preparing me for something better in my life, my next step, but I have to learn to get out of the way first. I have to quiet the noise so that I can hear Him.

Empty Me

I have to empty me of me so I can be filled with Him. American Idol contestant Chris Sligh expresses so well how I feel right now in his song “Empty Me”. 

I know that my writing can be a little raw and personal at times. This is part of my therapeutic process and I also hope that I can reach out to someone who may be where I am, or maybe help you catch yourself ‘before’ you sink as deep as I did. I appreciate any comments you may leave, but if you’d rather not share on the blog, click here to email me privately. If you know anyone who you feel could benefit from my blog, I’d love for you to share it with them.

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The topic of Depression – from Eat, Pray, Love

On Friday, August 13, (of all days!), the movie based upon Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love opens.

There are many women who are excited about seeing this movie as Liz has a way of expressing what so many women feel, but never say aloud. In her book, she talks about her long struggle with depression before seeking outside help. She read book after book, and tried ‘fixing’ herself by doing all the things these experts told her would help to relieve her depression.

Many of the things she spoke of I have already written in previous posts, breathing, fresh air and sunshine. She also exercised, got a new haircut, drank gallons of herbal tea, but to no avail.

Liz felt, like MANY women in America feel, that admitting you need help and asking for it was a sign of weakness. She got to the edge of being suicidal before she reached out for help.

She eventually took antidepressants and spent hours in therapy to help her overcome or at least get a handle on her depression. She felt it important to express that taking medication alone is just a bandaid. If you do not work through what got you there in the first place, you may find you will return to that same place of darkness again and again.

And that is where I am finding myself, back in the darkness that has enveloped me many times throughout my life. This time it is darker and blacker than ever before.

I waited much too long to admit how badly I was hurting, I mean, after all, my job required me to manage, train, motivate and inspire the 700+ women in my territory. I personified THE company I worked for. I had an image to present, physically and mentally. I was the cheerleader, the confidante.

The sad thing is, I like that part of my job. I just had a difficult time handling ALL the parts of the job at one time. And just before I fell apart, I got to where I didn’t enjoy or feel confident doing even the better parts of my job. I was not being what I needed for my team or for my company. And I didn’t want to admit that I was failing and that I was falling apart inside.

After all,

               I was the strong one.

                                        the motivator.

                                                   the passionate one.

                                                                  the one everyone wanted to be like.

When I told my chiropractor (who sees me several times a year) about my current situation, he could not believe that I was depressed. He said I was always so ‘up’. That was the mask I had to wear for everyone. I am trying to let that front down now, it is too exhausting to keep it up. I just hope that one day I can feel ‘normal’ again, and feel joy again.

I know that is always darkest before the dawn, and I truly feel as if there is going to be a new chapter in my life soon, I just have to find my way through this darkness. With the help of God, my husband, children, friends, doctor, counselor, psychiatrist, and medication, I will make it through to the dawn, but for now, I just keep pressing on, step-by-step, day-by-day.

My goal is to help as many women as possible with these issues we all deal with! Be sure to subscribe via email or RSS so you don’t miss any posts! If you know of someone who would benefit from the info in this post and in my blog, please click here to share!

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