I have been in Savannah Ga this past week for a personal retreat. After having what I have termed, for lack of better words, my mental meltdown last month, my sweet husband sent me away for a week of ME time.
- Of quiet.
- Of not worrying about anything except what and when I want to eat, and taking care of my puppy (I didn’t want to leave him at home, and he keeps me company).
- Of not hearing teenagers arguing, or asking for money, or complaining.
- Of not seeing all the things in the house that need doing.
- Of not seeing all the stuff left behind from my job when I went on medical leave reminding me that I am not capable of doing my job. (I had a home office full of supplies.)
- Of not tending to the affairs of a mentally challenged brother.
I discussed my retreat with my psychiatrist and therapist and my pastor. My husband also followed me down to help me settle in as my anxiety had been so high. I have done pretty well this week. I have been able to be pretty calm, for the most part. My brain is starting to calm down a little.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my family, I love my husband, I just am not sure I can handle the return. My anxiety starts to rise when I even think about it. Somehow I have to be able to function among the everyday cares of life. I thought I was making progress, tonight I am not so sure. I feel a little like this…
I have been reading about God leading or allowing people to wander in the wilderness for various reasons. Of course, Moses and the children of Israel wandered for 40 years because they were stubborn. Elijah was depressed and gave up in the wilderness. Jesus was tempted in the wilderness. Every time someone was in the wilderness, there was something to be learned before they could continue on their journey or reach their destination.
I feel like I am in my wilderness. I am here because of my own stubbornness, my need to be in control (I’ll have to write on that one day soon), my need to do things MY way. I had too much noise in my head to hear Him calling out to me to go a different path. He has my attention now. I just have to listen closer, spend more time with Him and the scripture.
And my journey in the wilderness is leading me back home.
- To learn to cope with one thing at a time.
- To not freeze up at a decision to be made.
- To ask for help when it is needed. That is a difficult one for me.
- To depend on God and not myself
I just have to believe that my wilderness journey is taking me to a much better place in my life than I have been before. And I believe that tomorrow, in the daylight, things will look better. I have hope that they will. And that hope is what keeps me going for now.
Have you ever been in the wilderness? How did it turn out for you?
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